Monday, March 10, 2014

It May Be My Middle Name, But That Doesn't Mean I'm Obligated To Eat'em

 A real English muffin boasts substance.

My "go-to" breakfast of choice when there's little time - or you don't want or feel like a proper sit down breakfast - is an English muffin toasted medium and slathered with butter and crunchy peanut butter.

Yes ... an English muffin with butter and crunchy peanut butter. That's butter. Not margarine, not some sort of Oleo, not that "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" stuff and certainly not the yoghurt-substitute-trans-fatted-calf-extra-ingredient-faux-butter-better-for-you-than-butter-and-tastes-like-real-butter dreck. And yes ... that's crunchy peanut butter. Not the creamy, earth-toned, characterless spread. (I do not understand the need for creamy peanut butter unless you have a denture problem.)

But ... there's that main ingredient: The English Muffin. And let me tell you something: Thomas English Muffins? Completely substandard when it comes to my wants in that department.

There is no point to this kind of English muffin ...
... unless it is the only thing in your pantry and you will die if you don't eat it.

They're flatter than a pancake, you can't separate one half from the other without it ripping gouges and holes in the halves (this must be what the company means by "nooks and crannies") and their flimsy as all get-out. Oft times you're relegated to taking a knife to slice the sucker in half and that completely defeats the purpose of an English muffin ... and its nooks and crannies that are supposed to lovingly maintain their pittedness in order to cater to the liquids and other condiments applied to the bread after toasting.

Give me those down-home, plain wrapped, English muffins any day of the week. Yeah, the ingredients in Thomas' product may be notches above but, when it comes to consistency, texture, hefty-appearance and simple "Feel Good Inc." appreciation, the plain wraps beat Thomas top side down.

So there.

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP settling for Thomas English Muffins. You deserve better. )


  1. Of course, over here they're just muffins. And even though we have cake-stylee American muffins, we don't feel the need to refer to them as such. We just know the difference, apparently. But here's an odd fact... those"fork-split" English muffins that are standard issue in the U.S. do not exist in the UK. We have to use a sharp knife.