Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I Must Remember This ...

At 2:15 a.m. this morning via email, I received an "Advance Notice Of Item Due" courtesy of my local library.

Of course I have many questions. Such as: 

  • When, exactly, did I become so forgetful? 
  • When did the library begin this service?  
  • When did the need for such a reminder suddenly manifest itself, let alone an advanced notice?

Oh ... wait. Here's a better question: 

Why the hell is the Arcadia library contacting me at two-freakin'-fifteen in the morning ... ?!???!?

So ... I began to wonder: 

  • Can I begin to expect notification of expirations on my store-bought milk, eggs and other products? 
  • Do I need a little chime to *ting, ting, ting* me when the toilet paper roll is dangerously low? 
  • Should there be a scrolling indicator warning me that a mere 4 1/2 minutes are left of a program I'm watching on television? 
  • Should I get a telegram or somesuch from some unknown party that, say, my dinner is nearing completion?

Depending on the situation, I have a responsibility to remember certain things. In the case of checking items out at the library, I not only have the responsibility of remembering to return them - in whatever manner I deem appropriate - but the common courtesy to do so that fellow patrons may benefit from their borrowance as well. The last time I took stock of such, it comes with the privilege of borrowing.

Now? I'm on a mission to find the responsible party(s) who pinged me in the wee small hours of the morning with this "helpful little note" ...

........................ Ruprecht ( STOP* )
*Stop sending me pointless notifications at 2:15 a.m. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I Did The Wasabi ... The Wasabi Didn't Do Me

You know those little paper cups that hold catsup for your french fries at fast food joints?

I ate the equivalent of three of those little buggers filled with wasabi during brunch today at the original Panda Inn in Pasadena.

The party I was with was amazed I ate that much of the condiment. And that's okay. It's all part of my plan.

Wasabi was liberally applied to everything ... from the scallops to the crunchy beef, from the asparagus chicken to the garlic fish, from the prawns to the sushi. And all of it was topped off with ginger. (Plenty of mimosas were in the mix as well.)

You see ... it's not about the wasabi. It's about what you do with it.

Ruprecht ( STOP )

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Chicken Little

Breakfast was being served. 

A big old plate of bacon was being put in the middle of the table, front and center. Toast was present, the coffee had already been poured. We were waiting on the eggs.

When they were finally placed on the table - a table that was to accommodate a party of seven people - there didn't seem to be enough eggs. The bowl put beside the bacon seemed to scarcily contain enough scrambled, fluffy protein to satisfy two people let alone seven.

"Is there an egg shortage in this town we don't know about? A conservation effort? Are eggs rare here? Outlawed? Scarce for the time of year?" I thought to myself.

We were assured it was simply a case of assuming there were enough eggs for breaking our fasts when, in fact, there weren't. Nothing more. A run to the grocery store should have been in order the night before, but it just didn't happen.

Still, we were skeptical.

Advance to months later at a local restaurant. It was cold outside. The soup at the establishment was pretty good. Hot, soothing, hearty. Mozzarella sticks were ordered, beer-battered things which were quite tasty. Fried chicken was contemplated and decided upon as a main course ...

... but, when it arrived, it was a sight to behold. Or, actually, it wasn't.

There was barely anything there.

Is this the smallest chicken wing and leg ... ever?
I looked at my meal incredulously. I could hold the entire half chicken ordered in my cupped hands, one atop the other! It was so small, I questioned whether it was an actual chicken. Could it quite possibly be a baby chicken? A pygmy chicken? Mayhap a Cornish game hen ... and a small one at that? Because it certainly wasn't a normal chicken that had been prepared and served

I picked up the tiny chicken leg with my thumb and index finger - it was that small. I daintily used the same fingers on my other hand to hold the leg horizontally and began eating it.

You know that scene in "Big" with Tom Hanks? When he attends the Christmas party and spies the mini cocktail corns, picks one up and nibbles at it like a real ear of corn? That's exactly how I ate that dwarf chicken leg, with comical flair and exaggeration. 

The waitress came over and asked if everything was all right. I thought my overt actions toward my meal might be a clue, but she either ignored them or didn't see I was making a point. 

"Everything's fine," I fibbed.

This fried chicken leg is the length of my pinkie.
And, no: The image has not been photo-shopped.

And then it came to me: This was what chickens were like in this town! Small! Miniaturized for some reason! Abnormally tiny! That's why there were so few eggs to be had at breakfast a few months ago! The poor hens! They strain to produce enough eggs for the townsfolk, thus they are a rarity! That had to be it!

I didn't have the heart to make any further fun of these poor folks with their obvious want of a hearty chicken dinner. I desisted my dinner antics.

I finished my meal without another word ...

... but I secretly left the establishment starving ...

...................... Ruprecht ( STOP )

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Download The Unbelievables Theme!


It's The Unbelievables Theme ready for immediate download! 

Michael says:  

"Improve your social status! Move! Groove!"

Jeff Hickmott says:  

"For 69 measly cents you can own your very own digital copy of our theme tune!"

Clark Brooks says: 

"Download this, burn it on to an 8-track tape, put it in your Trans-Am and blast it at top volume as you fishtail around street corners while you chase thugs. Only 69¢!"

Douglas Arthur says: 

"They hail from a planet that fashion forgot, and they are coming to save your soul! Prepare yourself for the jaunty mirth of The Unbelievables!" 

Now, thanks to Flaming Schwarzkopf Experience, The Unbelievables can be wherever you are, go wherever you go! Don't leave home without them blasting out your speakers or filtering out your earbuds!

Unbelievable  ... !!!

................... Ruprecht ( STOP )