My Cousin, The Comedian

My cousin thinks he's a joker, a real comedian. 

He claimed, long ago, he wrote out a few lists of things indicative of who I am - some quirks, kinks and characteristics. 

But, when asked to produce these alleged lists, they were "conveniently misplaced" or "lost somewhere."

Well sir? Supposedly they've "resurfaced," miraculously found while cleaning some room or another.

For your consideration (along with each item typed out for legibility) I present said lists. I leave it to you to figure out which items are statements of fact and which are falsehoods.

 

- Cholula with rice
- Will wash dishes but tends to break them
- Loves dogs, tolerates cats
- Likes Cholula w/ eggs
- Cholula w/ meat
- Cholula w/ chicken
- Cholula on toast
- Cholula in milk
- Favorite beer - Coors Light
- 2nd favorite beer - Corona w/ lime
- Gives up something for Lent - but cheats on weekends
- Still drinks milk
- Watches - American Idol, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Survivor
- Caffinated coffee w/ Coffeemate - French vanilla (1-pot)
- Sometimes the computer is his third appendage
- Would prefer to suffer through a cold than take asprin, Nyquil or antihistamine
- Flu shots? - HA!!

- Keeps files of everybody & everything
- A pretty good chef - except for corn muffins, always stick to the paper
- Makes a mean corn salad
- loves corn on the cob, corn bread, corn chowder, corn tortillas - you get it? He likes corn
- Once his hair is combed, don't touch it
- Loves the dollar menu at McDonald's and Arco
- A good barbequer as long as there's a Coors Light in his hand (barbeque beer)
- Would love to own a pair of Magnum P.I. shorts
- Loves beach parties
- Comic-Con maniac
- Lucha libre impersonator
- Don't get between him & The Walking Dead
- Award winning holiday decorator
- Most things can be fixed with duct tape
- Likes toasted English muffins
- Occasionally goes on a "beer diet"
- World's authority on obscure music
- Prefers any "live" music to recorded
- Knocked over the Michelin Man
- Speaks perfect Spanglish

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

Meanwhile On A Random Saturday Night ...

"Michael?"

"Yes?!?"

"Do you always leave the refrigerator open?"

"Yes, I do ... especially when I find someone has left the spigot open on the blender I'm using as I attempt to make a milkshake and the milk I've poured into it is now gushing out the spigot with the force of a government sanctioned dam and, being unfamiliar with said blender and its workings, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to stop the seemingly endless flow of moo juice not only coming out the container but washing atop the counter and onto the floor causing even more of a disaster than I'm currently dealing with. I mean ... I didn't intend to leave it opened. My plan was to execute a rapid pour of milk into the blender then toss the container back to the fridge. But, again, someone may have thought it a better idea for me to put on a circus act of comedy as opposed to closing the fridge door. As a rule? No, I don't 'always leave the refrigerator door open' but escaping cold air doesn't seem to be my priority at the moment ..."

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP leaving the spigot opened* )

*Better yet ... how 'bout checking it to see if it's open in the first place, Michael?