Contextual Quotations

And in today's edition of "Friends' Quotations Taken Out Of Context" we have ...

"No canned air! I tried blowing hard but to no avail..."

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

Thank you, Douglas Arthur ...

What A Cranky Ass ...

A fellow writer and friend of mine, Marnie Broderson, is the same as many of us writin' fools - we need mental expurgation to clear our thoughts, a metaphorical soapbox so to speak on which to stand and complain about stuff.

In her latest entry - Six Kid-Related Things That Can Kiss My Cranky Ass - Marnie does just that very thing. Whereas you might find her a bit crochety, you really can't blame her. After all she is a wife and a mom of two, more than enough fuel to ignite some occasional cantankerousness.

Show her a little reading love by visiting the link. If you care to comment, I'm certain it would make her a little less cranky.

Maybe.

Warning: Expletives abound in Six Kid-Related Things That Can Kiss My Cranky Ass, specifically the shortened four-lettered versions of "fornicate" and "No. 2." When you read the post, you'll understand why. I mean ... she is cranky ...

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

When I Was In School ...

"So how was school?"

"Okay."

"Do you have a lot of homework today?"

"Yeah ..."

"Tough stuff? Or is it pretty easy?"

"It's not that big of a deal. But ... I need some colored markers to do one project. I have to color in some things for a history assignment."

"We have crayons at home ..."

"No. I need markers. Colored ones."

"Oh. Well ... there are colored pens you can use. I saw them in a drawer just the other day."

"I can't use those. I need markers. The big ones. And they need to be colored."

"Why do they need to be colored?"

"For my project."

"Did your teacher tell you this project needed to be colored?"

"No ... that's just the way I want to do it."

"Do you have money to purchase markers?"

"No. It's your responsibility as the adult to buy markers."

"No, it isn't! My parents never bought me markers! I never needed to 'color' anything for a project. Matter'n fact, we didn't have markers with colors back when I was in school. We only had crayons if we wanted to color anything. And they were pretty expensive at the time. A lot of us couldn't afford them. And those that couldn't afford them ... like me? They managed by creating our own primary colors."

"How did you do that?"

"Well ... we picked our nose and used the boogers for the color green. We poked our fingers with stick pins 'til they bled for the color red. And we peed to get the color yellow. Green, red and yellow ... primary as primary colors get ..."

"Dad ... !!!"

"Wow ... that trumps the walking two miles uphill to and from school story ..."

"Yeah ... I'm rather impressed with myself ..."

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

You Need This Book

So ... there's this guy: Douglas Arthur.

He likes giving things away. 

Case in point? His new book Antisocial Lawnmower.

Yeah ... strange name for a book. (But, if you think about it, aren't all lawnmowers antisocial? Exactly.)

Anywho ... follow the links above and do what the instructions say and you can be the proud owner of almost 400 pages of his hard-published efforts.

Because there is such a thing as a free lunch. And antisocial lawnmowers ...

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

Parking Fun

I made a mistake recently.

(Hey ... I'm good at makin'em, you know? One of my pithy little comments has always been "Stick with your strengths." And making mistakes? One of my strengths.)

I was on my way to pick up my daughter from high school. The retrieval system the school has set up leaves much to be desired. Seeing it for the first time, I figured it was just a matter of time before there's a fender bender or five from folks seeking out a parking spot.

The area in front of the school is a no parking zone except for certain time frames of drop off and pick up during school hours. The pick up time is the more disconcerting of the two. Folks tend to park at a 45°  angle at the curb. Not a bad idea in and of itself - parking space is increased and it's easy to zip in and out of a space ... except ...

... it's not quite that easy.

The angle people park at is such they back in to spaces from the main thoroughfare; they don't pull directly up to the curb and parallel park. Instead, everyone stops in the middle of the street and backs into a space, creating 45° parking that is easily exited from once their kids are retrieved.

But this creates major stoppages in the middle of the street forcing drivers to be hyper-aware of what the car in front of them is doing ... not to mention making certain you have an eye in the rear view mirror to see what someone behind you might be up to.

In the very few times I've been to the school to do a pick up, I've seen more near misses than I care to mention. They're rampant. A fender bender is just around the corner, waiting to happen at any moment.

It was just yesterday I was hunting out a space in which to park and I needed to jam on my brakes suddenly. Some already nestled up to the curb yahoo wasn't happy with their particular parking job and decided to pull out in front of me without looking to see if there was any oncoming traffic, said oncoming traffic being me. I quickly braked to a stop, waited for the person to do their thing and motored on. As I slowly passed him to toss a dirty look his way, I immediately encountered a car in front of me. Again, I braked. But it was too late to have realized the car in front of me was attempting to grab a spot I was now blocking. I saw the hands of the driver fling up in exasperation. I was immediately and silently apologetic. The driver wasn't going to see me mouth an "I'm sorry" as s/he was too busy trying to find another spot in which to park. Fortunately I noted s/he found one a few spots up. Realizing this (and in the light of having blocked the car's originally proposed spot), I grabbed the one vacated one for my ownself.

Parked, I got out of my car to make nice with the person I'd flummoxed and to apologize face to face for being rude ... albeit inadvertently. I walked up to the person's car and noted it was a woman. I came around to her driver's side and tapped the window, startling her somewhat. She was on her cell phone texting or viewing something. She rolled the window down.

"I just wanted to apologize for nabbing your parking space back there. Maneuvering this place is trial of nerves ..."

She looked at me wide-eyed. "You came all the way over here to apologize for that?" she asked incredulously, but with a little smile on her face. "Who does that?"

"I do that. There are still a few good people in the world wading through all the boneheads," I told her. "Anyway ... I just wanted to say I was sorry. I didn't mean to appear the jerkwad."

"Thank you!" she stammered and I walked away.

After having practically killed a kid a bit earlier in the day, it was good to right a minor wrong and put a little balance back in the world, miniscule though it might be.

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )

Today? I Almost Killed A Kid ...

Today? I almost killed a kid.

Literally.

The light was green and going my way as I approached a four way intersection. I looked right as I entering into the intersection, then I looked left.

I should have looked left first.

Veering around the front of me was a kid flying down the street. His velocity was was uncanny. He was going downhill ... flying. I slammed on my brakes and nearly clipped him at across the right headlight. "What the hell ... ?!??" I yelled out loud.
 
And then, in my left peripheral vision, I caught movement. It was another kid, flying right at me, directly at me. He slammed his brakes squealing while swooping behind me. In the moment - it appeared as if he was mere inches from hitting me. He motored on behind me, never really stopping and kept speeding down the street.

Stopped partially in the intersection, I gathered my wits, looked to my right and saw them both cruise away. I breathed a sigh of relief I hadn't hit anyone. I accelerated and continued out of the intersection on my way.

And then I thought again: "What the hell?" I motored on up to the next light and got into the left turn lane. I decided I wasn't letting those kids get away with this. I was certain that had I clipped that first one? I would have killed him. He would have been splayed across the concrete in a bloody mess. Backpack askew ... front wheel in an odd and obscene oval ... legs at impossible angles ... unnaturally colored asphalt everywhere.

I zipped through a U-turn as the light turned green and began looking for the bicyclists. I caught them ripping down a street to my right and I turned down it. At another light, I caught up with them.

I rolled down my window.

"Hey! You guys have a choice: You can give me your names and numbers ... or I can call the police ..." (Hokay ... not my finest moment. But I was pissed.)

"Why?!?" one of the kids - the one I almost ran over - snapped back.

"Because I just about splattered you all over the road as you ran that red light back there ... that's why ..."

"You're not having me arrested" he replied.

"Both of you! Pull over right there and don't move!" I yelled.

I moved out into the cross street and pulled up to them. They maneuvered 180s and then took off in the opposite direction.

A police officer passed me as they fled and I accelerated up to him. I motioned him to roll down his window: "I just about killed a kid who ran through a red light. Anything you can do?" I asked.

"Was it one of those two kids you were talking to back there?" he asked.

"Yep."

"I'll talk to them ..." the officer acknowledged and swung in their direction.

Another U-turn later I was hoping I'd see the officer with the two kids. I didn't get that satisfaction. But that wasn't the satisfaction I was looking for.

Sure ... it would have been nice to have seen that. But ... honestly? I was just glad I hadn't clocked that boy in light of his bad judgment. It would have made me sick.

In retrospect: I really need to keep my weathered cane in the car so I can wave it at those damned kids ... tell'em to keep off my damned lawn.

Dammit.

In the meantime, I'm content to count my blessings ...

.......... Ruprecht ( STOP )